The Random Misadventures of the Lost Girls

The Beginning

2009-09-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

It seems that I am constantly making plans that I don't follow through with, plotting and creating grand adventures that don't happen, and am continually commoing out dissappointed. This is the end. I have made a decision, I am going to stop waiting for things to get better and just LIVE!!!! Its time to have fun to be wild and crazy and spontanious. Here is to a new beginning.

This is my first adventure just writing of my life as I know it, my successes my failures everything. You are my confidants, the keepers of my secrets. I will be telling of my sorded and juicy details, how you in enjoy!

Here is a little about myself to catch you up on things... I just barely graduated from University at a school I hated. I am now working at a retail store, making absolutely no money and having random flings with guys I could care less about.

My name is Lily Avalon and this is my life...

At the ripe age of twenty one I am ready to start living my life... I am ready to find love, be happy and do things that make a difference.

As far as love goes nothing is looking promising as of yet, I have been dating around as usual, but nothing exciting. First there is Wayne, a work addict, he is quiet and charming with great eyes, because of both of our crazy work schedules we usually only meet for the occasional dinner or a late night tryst.

Then there is Bobby, who is a Volleyball couch for a local school. Seemed wicked cool at first, but now I am starting to wonder if he is gay. Not to mention he is nine years older than me and now just decided to go back to school....don't get me wrong eduaction is important, just would be nice if he was closer to my age.

Last, but not least Grant. Things with Grant are well, complicated to say the least. To begin with, we work together and if that isn't problem enough we actually dated for a short month in school and now I have to see him everyday. Man, I was crazy over the guy for awhile, but of course he is commitment phobe. Apparently the only thing he has for me is a strong phisical attraction, and if he wasn't an amazing kisser I would probably not go there again. Yet, I have to see the guy everyday and always there is that continual flirting and rush of hidden secrets that gets me every time. I honestly don't know why I can't say no to the guy.

So love has been rather alusive to me as of yet...Lately however, I have had one person on my mind. Clark. Tall dark and handsome, fluent in French, does Ironmans for fun and an avid reader he really is my perfect guy. We had a whirlwind encounter my Freshman year of school and then the semester was over. We kept in contact with an e-mail here and there every few months at a time. When we were in school one of us was always dateing someone. Now that I am graduated from University as well we have started talking on the phone again. Things are going well, and I wish we could make a go of it. Just one problem, he is in Washington and I am well.... lets just say its in an obscure state that no one really even things about. In fact when living in New York my boss commented that she thought no one really lived in the state I am from because it is what comes to mind when you think of the Wild West.

So as we can see love is not looking so good right now....

As far as my job, I work at a retail store, which I actually like... Yet, I should probably do something with my degree don't you think?

So this is it my life....hopefully you wont find it too boreing.

xoxo Lily

It wasn't ment to be

2009-09-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't written on here for awhile. Much has changed since I last wrote, almost a year ago. The last posts were about someone I loved and lost that died after being in a coma for awhile.

I want to start this blog anew, no more dark thoughs and sad posts. I have changed since then and I look to the future with hope and purpose.

A Miracle

2009-01-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

A Miracle happened, and I can't believe it. You are alive, you are well, you are free from the prison of your mind. It hurt me when I first saw you. The scars that marred your beautiful golden skin. It hurt me even worse the way you treated me. As a causal aquaintince, I know I hurt you. If only you knew the pain I felt over this. I died the day I found out. The subsequent months I have been trying to put the pieces back together. You are alive, you are well and this fact helps me to keep going. You called me the other day, "I have missed that voice." If only you knew I hear your voice in my dreams, it surrounds me and fills be and makes me whole. You are coming back, you want to see me. Will you be mine again? I do not know, but the fact that you are fine, you are normal is all I need. Our bright future is become clearer and I know with time maybe, just maybe, we can reclaim our lost selves.

Moving on

2008-07-11T04:12:00.001-07:00

I'll never forget you, what we lost. Yet, the time has come for me to move on, you will always have a piece of my heart. You are getting well they say, you can talk and walk now. My prayers were answered and now it is time for me to let go, to say goodbye. I hope that you are happy, that you live a full life. I'll miss you but the fact that you are alive and well makes this bearable...so goodbye my love, I'll try my best to get over you.

Trying

2008-06-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Finally some of my prayers were answered. There is a spark behind your eyes now. You laughed, you cried, you spoke. I wish I could have been there to seen it. Nevertheless this knowledge has made me happy. Maybe now I can move on. How do you move on? I don't know I can't figure it our, but I am trying. Everyday I try to push you to the back of my mind, but you always come find me. You are always there. I Love you, I can't help it, and this fact is what is making trying to get over you impossible. If only you knew, and even if you did would things be different? I don't think that they would. You were the one that got away, the fact that I can't even me there to comfort you kills me. Will this ache ever go away? I think these things just get easier with time.

I walked away

2008-06-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

I walked away from you, I left your question unanswered. This is the greatest mistake of my life, I wish I would have told you I loved you, I want to be with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I WAS SCARED.....I walked away. I didn't look back and this fact is killing me. It kills me that you didn't know, that I didn't tell you. Please don't die, don't die without knowing. I am filled with regret, with remorse for what I did. Please forgive me, my love I would give anything to relive that day. I was wrong, and I would give anything to spend just one more day with you.

Still Praying

2008-06-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

The days have turned into weeks and still there is no change. You lay there unmoving unhealed. When will you be better? I pray for you constantly and beg God for a miracle. I beg him to return you to me, but now I am wondering if my prayer will go unanswered. When will my tears stop falling, when will you no longer haunt me? I am beginning to think I will never find joy again. I don't know how I can. You made me happier then I have ever been, and I thank you for that. I truly thought you were the one, and I still do. I have now lost you twice, and the bright hope of our future grows dimmer with each passing day. Will this light burn out? I pray to God that it doesn't and you will awake from this nightmare to reignight the flame. I am sorry I didn't realize how wonderful everything was when it was still mine, I didn't truly apppreciate it and I am sorry. Please return to me so we can go on again, so that the rest of my life is not filled with regret. Awake.....and liberate me.

Unseen

2008-06-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

Your eyes opened and that brought such joy to my heart, but that joy has now turned to pain. You stare up into nothing. You can't see me with those unseeing eyes of yours. You eyes have a haunted look and I pray that you are not reliving that horrible night over and over. I wish I could just go back and save you from this horrible fate, protect you. I am angry that you didn't keep your promise. I looked into your face as you laughed and said you wouldn't go, I knew you were lying but I didn't want to believe it. Time without you passes slowly, as much as I try to stay busy I still find myself dwelling on you. I swear I see you everywhere, you are haunting me. I walk in a daze and when anyone says the word Happy I cringe......that word belongs to you. It has a new meaning for me now. I am fearful that you will never be the same, that you will always stare up with those unseeing eyes. When will you see me again? I beg it is not in the next life after we pass on. My memories of you can't conceive that fate.

Two Weeks

2008-06-18T22:23:00.001-07:00

It has now been to weeks since the accident, and I still can't move on. The very thought of you makes me happy and sad at the same time. Remembering your smile brings me to tears and once again I am filled with regret. It hurts so much that I often forget to breath and each day I have to force myself to get up and go on living. You opened your eyes yesterday they said, for the first time in two weeks. This small feat filled me with such joy, the fact that maybe there is some hope after all. That is the first time I have truly smiled in awhile. I dream of you and the life we might have had, sometimes I think I can really feel your arms around me. I wander if in your deep slumber you are dreaming of me too. I wish they would let me see you, they say you can recognize voices, would you remember mine, If I finally told you I love you would you hear and remember. I am trying to go on and live my life without you in it, and I discovered that I can. Yet, I don't like it as much and when I remember my old life I just want to travel back and reclaim it. I miss you, return to me, smile at me again...........I'll see you in my dreams.

I never told you I loved you

2008-06-13T00:13:00.001-07:00

I wasn’t sure if I should right this, in light of everything that has happened. Yet, I can’t help but feeling the need to tell you this. When I heard what happened my heart broke for the second time. The thought of a world without you seemed an unbearable thing. When you left me I was sad, but I knew that you were okay and that you would be happy with her, and that made it okay. The fact that I never told you how I felt about us or the fact that I truly did love you faded away. We were still friends and I knew in time I would be able to tell you. A bond like ours doesn’t go unforgotten. Rarely do I find someone that I can truly be myself around, I don’t have to put on airs or pretend that I am something I am not. You accepted me for who I am and that meant the world for me. You told me to take a chance on you and I did, it didn’t end up the way I expected but it was good. You treated me better than another man has and I want to thank you for that. It hurt me when you left, but it gave me hope that one day I would find someone that would treat me like you did again and I looked forward to it. I remember how excited you used to get to me see me, and I felt so infinite at that moment I never wanted to look back. I am sorry I didn’t trust you fully, didn’t recognize a good thing when I had it. I wish I had, I would have been a little kinder and trusting, I wouldn’t have pushed you away like I did. I guess I was just scared, I told you that I suck at commitment, oh to just relive those moments again, I would give anything to spend just one more day with you. I know this will be easier with time. I tried to move on, I found solace in the fact that you were happy, and that’s all I wanted was you to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. Then this happened and I am drowning in regret in the what might have beens, and the should haves. I should have told you I loved you when I had the chance, I love you like the truest friend and I care about you so much. I haven’t slept in a week; my dreams are haunted by your face. Even in my waking hours you are always on my mind, I beg God every moment that you will just be okay. Every day I expect to wake from this night mare, that this was just some outlandish dream. I am consumed by the very thought of you, I can’t eat, food is like ash in my mouth. I suffer because you suffer; because I love you so much the thought of you suffering is slowly killing me. I cry a little less each day, but the ache is still there. I just want you to be okay, I want you to wake and be your normal self again. Please return, I wish you would return to me, but if you don’t that is okay. I am content just knowing that you are alive and well, and that you are happy. You see that is all that I really want for you; I just want you to have the best the world has to offer. Please get well my love, that’s all I ask of you.

Free

2007-11-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

In my minds eye I often picture a place. A place I think I am ment to be. It is a ghost, a phantom that haunts my dreams, but isn't really there. Where it is I know not, the distance I can't comprehend. Yet, I know I need to find it or I will never be whole; never be free to breathe deeply and feel the satisfaction of truely belonging. The weight of it presses upon me stunting my growth, how I long to reach this place so I may stand tall, shoulders back and head held high. I wish to breath in the perfection that it holds. When I get there I will reclaim my lost self, and smile as the sun shine on me knowing that at last I am truly free.

Wishes

2007-11-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

I saw a glittering light in the sky, the first star of the comeing night. I gazed on it and mad a wish praying with all my might that it would come true. It wasn't a wish for me you see, it was a wish for you. I wished you were blessed with happiness and all your dreams to come true. Then I laughed at the folly of wishing on a star. Could it even hear me it is so very far? Who makes these wishes on stars come true? If it could hear me would it know what to do? Wishes are for dreamers, not for people like me and you. So I smiled to myself and whispering whished for your health, knowing it wouldn't come true. For Wishes are for dreamers, not for people like me and you.

False Perception

2007-11-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

I feel for you, I do. You trapped in the box of your own vanity. So caught up in yourself that you can't look past your own reflection. What would it take to humble you I think, to make you see the light of day? Your fault is so heavy it must weigh you down. It is then I realize that I am the one at fault. For I have been judgeing you and it isn't my place. Mine is a vanity of another kinds, and so now we are both lost you see. Swollowed up by what we percieve to be correct. Who can shatter out imperfcection and expose us to the truth, or are we both lost? Swept away in a tide of false perception.

Master of Emotion

2007-11-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

I often feel as if I am alone in the world. I look aroungd me and see millions of people all caught up in their own lives. I wonder if they feel the same. If they wear a mask as I do or should I say a sheild; it gaurds them from me and I from them. I like it alone, lost in my own thoughts, caught up in my own complexities. "Do they think as I do"? I wonder, " Do they feel the same way"? I will never kinow, for if I ask it will mean there world will become part of mine. We would no longer be strangers, but companions delving into the mysteries of the mind and matters of the heart. I consider lonliness a matter of the heart, for it is the very thing that aches at the mention of the word. The mind can comprehend emotion, but it is the heart that truely feels it. Thus, for this fact I will always be alone.